Get Out of Got To "Syndrome" by B.G. Jett: Father / Son Acceptance

5 Tips on Expectations
By: Ken Canfield

What do you expect when it comes to your kids? I've often heard comments like these from grown sons and daughters:

"My brother was an all-state quarterback, but I played tennis, and I never quite measured up for my dad."

"I made a B average in school, but Daddy was never happy with anything but A's."

Some dads communicate high expectations, and their children struggle to feel accepted and appreciated because nothing ever quite measures up.

These dads might inadvertently communicate that their love is conditional: "If you keep practicing, maybe next year you'll win first place." They may actually be proud of their children, but they can't express it positively. Somehow, a simple compliment isn't enough. They feel a need always to add a point of instruction. "That was great, son, but next time do this or that." Their children learn that love has strings attached.

Still, expectations can motivate children to reach high achievements. Dad, here are five suggestions for using expectations in a positive way:

First, list the expectations you have for your children in areas like school, sports, behavior, and so on. As objectively as you can, look at each one and ask, "Is this expectation realistic? Is it too easy or too difficult?" Then ask this tough question: "Does my child feel like he has to excel to earn my love?"

Second, dad, communicate your expectations positively. Instead of relaying the message, "You must do this ...," give your child lots of "You can do this" messages.

Third, be aware of your children's strengths, weaknesses, interests and dreams. One of the great dangers of fathering is molding your children into your own image instead of helping them discover who they have been created to be. But a healthy awareness of your children will help you avoid that common fathering mistake.

Fourth, be a reliable model. When you demonstrate the behavior that you expect from your children, the limits and expectations you place on them make more sense. They know that, when you lay out certain rules for them to follow, you also live by that standard.

Finally, love your child no matter what. A child who's appreciated and accepted for who he is -- regardless of his performance -- won't feel pressure, but freedom. He'll have the self-esteem and confidence to excel.

Comments

1.	Brian Jett (Dec 04th 2008, 04:17 PM)
	Similarly, I can relate painfully well. The first inclination is, often, to blame as well as continue to seek out approval of a father who was "critical" as this article depicts. It is everywhere and working on this approval addiction requires the actual letting go process. Working for approval or to prove something to anyone has only created strife, anger, and ultimately a calculation without God series of events. I am just now finally realizing that my father's love is conditional to extent he is, like me, a man, not God-man or Jesus Christ. He has helped me and I can only focus on me getting over my ego and not blaming or any further attempted to prove something to my father, my older brother, or any one (boss, etc..) to be truly filled. I lose peace by needing to be right and make sense of all of the "Why didn't you do better...?" questions from years ago. I find that when I recognize that I will never forgive my father even close to how much God has already forgiven me, it puts things in a better perspective. My dad or older brother aren't to blame although I have spent years judging them. I never realized I was judging them; just justified it as venting off my anger for my own lack of missing my path. Herein is maybe part of the answer for me as I feel God has nudged my heart: I was not born to make my dad proud or compete with my brother. I am here for God's good and perfect plan (Roman 12:2) There is a Heavenly Father that accepts us fully - PERIOD. No performance required. That's is a good first step for me to continue to wrap my mind and soul and spirit around. Staying away from the blame game or catching self doing this is helpful (or taking thoughts captive). Excellent topic that us men do not discuss and it will only better as we do not repeat the ego needing to be fed routine. Let's even write about it. That is what I've been doing for a good while. This is a huge topic for guys and the women and children affected by our willingness to address this father/son "thing". Comment

2.	Anthony Ekong (Dec 02nd 2008, 11:51 AM)
	I can relate to some of the above comments because being the last born of seven kids and my two older brothers with over a decade in age I always felt like I had three dads; my father and my two older brothers and I was always pressured to think that I have to perform better than anybody else instead of just being me and doing the best that is in me so I promise my three boys that I will be their father and friend where they don't have to feel pressured as I use to feel which led to me losing communcation with my dad and my brothers.

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12/4/08

Father / Son Acceptance

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